I love you again, Food Network

Once upon a time, I watched the Food Network all the time. I learned how to make meals in 30 minutes. I found out how to make a tortilla from scratch. I gasped with anticipation while watching a painstakingly prepared multistory cake be carried to the judges’ table.

Then I got tired of it all and switched to TLC.

Recently, though, FN has beckoned me back. (And I don’t have much of a taste for TLC shows like “Police Women of Rinkydink County” and “Mall Cops Patrol the Parking Lot”).

But there are some shows I just can’t go for. It’s painful to watch “Cupcake Wars,” for example. Besides the fact that everyone on that show takes something as (let’s face it) trivial as cupcakes DEADLY. SERIOUSLY., it’s hosted by a guy who’s also a magician and goes by the name of Justin Credible.

Yep. SERIOUSLY.

I also can’t watch anything hosted by Alexandra Guarnaschelli because of the first impression I got from her. Years ago, when I first started watching FN, she was a contestant on the Ultimate Thanksgiving episode of Food Network Challenge. I don’t remember if she was making potatoes or the turkey or what, but she just gave up. Just threw in the towel without even trying to make whatever she was making work. I have no idea why FN gave her her own show because it’s clear that she wouldn’t have even made it past the first week as a Food Network Star contestant.

Speaking of which, that show has restored my faith in the network. I watched Food Network Star for a couple seasons, skipped last year, and now I’m back. It’s not a good show by any stretch of the imagination but, like the finest junk food, it’s filling and addictive.

I don’t even have a real favorite contestant this year, unlike in previous years (search for “Adam Gertler” on my blog to find out my favorite candidate of all time). But there is one who’s moving up slightly in the pack for me (not for the same reason as AG, though).

Aarti Sequeira already has her own food show – on the Internet. She comes with an expertise in a style of cooking not often found on FN, a fun personality and experience with teaching people to cook (what a concept, FN). Check out her blog: http://www.aartipaarti.com/

And here’s links to her “shows” on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/aartipaarti

Oh, and FN execs, if you need to get rid of someone in order to make room for “Aarti Paarti,” may I suggest:

Angry Birds…attack!

The iPod Touch has to be one of the greatest things ever invented. This slim rectangle of lusciousness houses the three things essential to being:

1. Music

2. Internet

3. Games.

Sure, if it were an iPhone, you could make calls on it, but who cares? The three things above should keep you so busy that you won’t even notice that you can’t gab on it.

Anyway, my latest obsession on my iPod Touch has been Angry Birds. You have to like a game that:

1. Consistently gets 5-star reviews

2. Costs only 99 cents (and is updated frequently by the developers at no extra cost to you)

3. Has tons of replay value, both while you’re trying to get through the levels and after you’ve gotten through the levels.

It’s also incredibly easy to learn, and while some levels may frustrate you, they make you keep trying harder. (Also, if you get really stuck, you can go to YouTube and watch one of many walkthroughs to help you.)

The premise is simple: Fling birds in a slingshot to hit green pigs.

That’s it.

Each level presents a different challenge. Sometimes your bird can be pressed to go faster, sometimes when pressed a bird will turn into three birds. And pigs could be nestled under wood planks that splinter when hit, or they could be under stone barriers that are harder to penetrate. Levels sometimes take a lot of trial and error, but once you figure out the secret formula, you’re golden.

And speaking of golden, there are Golden Eggs hidden in the game, that, if found, lead to even more levels. (Here’s a list of where to find some: http://www.pda-247.com/wordpress/2010/04/how-to-find-the-golden-eggs-in-angry-birds/)

This is probably the best 99 cents I’ve spent on a game in this platform and it’s honestly worth much more. So what are you waiting for? Go bust up some green pigs now!!

I met you…at JC Penney…

Beck’s probably one of the most eccentric singers to ever have huge radio hits. Maybe Prince is in the same category, but not too many other people come to mind.

I love this quote from Johnny Cash from Beck’s Wiki page:

Johnny Cash would later record “Rowboat” and include it on his 1996 album Unchained. Cash later said that the song “sounded like something I might have written or might have done in the [1960s, when] I was kinda going through some weird times.”

“Unchained” also contained the “fan favorite” called “Satan Gave Me a Taco,” which I’ve never heard but probably need to check out.

Most people know Beck from the perennial “Loser” and “Where It’s At,” but those were played way too often on the radio for my taste. I adored “Beercan,” a song that apparently peaked at number 27 on the modern rock chart in 1994. I remember transcribing the lyrics so I could memorize them and try to figure out what the hell he was talking about.

Sixteen years later, I still have no idea.

Interestingly, Beck seems to channel Mr. Purple Rain himself with this deliciously faux-sleazy song, another one of my favorites, which has lyrics that don’t need any figuring out. Once you hear the twinkly beginning, you’ll know you have to find a place for it on your iPod.

See also: Idiot Boyfriend by Jimmy Fallon

i met you
at JC Penney
i think your nametag
said “Jenny”
i coldstep to you
with a fresh pack of gum
somehow i knew
you were lookin’ for some
like a fruit that”s ripe for a pickin’
i wanna do you like that Zankou Chicken
‘cos only you’ve got a thing
that i just got to get with
i just got to get with you
and you know what we’re gonna do

i wanna get with you
and your sister
i think her name’s Debra

i wanna get with you
and your sister
i think her name’s Debra

i pick you up late at night after work
i said “lady, step inside my Hyundai”
i’m gonna take you up to Glendale
gonna take you for a real good meal
cos when our eyes did meet
girl you know i was packin’ heat
ain’t no use in wastin’ no time gettin’ to know each other
cos only you got a thing
that i just got to get with

i wanna get with you
and your sister
i think her name’s Debra

i wanna get with you
and your sister
i think her name’s Debra

lovely lady
girl you drive me crazy

The Tori Conundrum

I grew up watching the “original” (wow, that makes me feel old) “Beverly Hills, 90210.” Even though I was in elementary school when it premiered, I longed to be a part of the West Beverly crowd. I’d marry Dylan and Donna would be my ditzy, forever-virginal friend.

Years later, I’d read “Donna’s” first book, StoriTelling, and while I no longer wanted to marry Dylan (what even happened to him, anyway?) I wanted Donna as a best friend even more. The book was so conversational and sometimes confessional, I got to know what it was like growing up in the real Beverly Hills, why she married her first husband and then why she married her second.

By the time I finished StoriTelling, her newest book, Uncharted TerriTori, had come out. I immediately bought it on my Kindle app and finished it quickly. If I had to write an Amazon review for it, though, I’d title it “Fizzy but with an aftertaste.”

The book had the same conversational style as her first but there was an urgency behind  it. A lot of the stories were straight from her reality TV show, even though I haven’t seen many episodes of that. And a lot of the subject matter had to do with the fact that Tori’s entire life is on display, and how she’s dealing with that. That kind of makes me feel bad, as a fan, because if I and others weren’t fans of hers, the paparazzi wouldn’t follow her at grocery stores.  But if she really didn’t want this life, she could move somewhere remote, get a job out of the public eye and never be stalked by photographers again.

On the other hand, reality TV seems like it was made for her. She was famous practically since birth, had appearances in many of her dad’s shows and later found success in TV movies. But the TV movie market isn’t so lucrative anymore (ahem…ask her husband) so now she’s even more famous and making even more money by living inside a fishbowl.

I guess I just wish she could slow it down. She shouldn’t have to Twitter every single thing. She should be able to savor some of her success without having to run around to get more of it. I appreciate her trying to keep her fans in the loop but at the same time I think it might be better for her health and sanity to have more quiet time with her family once in a while.

That’s what I’d tell my best friend, anyway.

FrustratingVille — Updated: Free Tricorne Hat and Powder Horn

Wicked Game

After nearly a year of seeding, harvesting and plowing, I recently quit FarmVille. Before I left for good, I started playing Zynga’s newest game, FrontierVille. The thing that drew me in to FrontierVille was the fact that your character could get married (even to a same-sex partner, if you so chose) and have a child. I also liked the idea of “quests,” specific tasks to get special items and move up in the game.

Now my husband Bertram and son Cam and I are trying to finish more quests. We have to:

–find a welcome mat to welcome Cam’s teacher to the schoolhouse

–find a bee for Cam’s pocket (don’t ask)

–sell 8 adult pigs

–collect a ribeye for a Fourth of July party

We also need to find some collection items before the Fourth of July promotion runs out in a few days.

Therein lies the problem.

(That’s not my collection, by the way.)

Some of these items are nearly impossible to find. According to a poster on the Zynga forum, they were told from an official that you have a 0.02% chance of finding one certain item — a tricorne hat. But you could buy it for a lot of real money, if you don’t like those chances.

That’s insane. I never spent real money on FarmVille and won’t on FrontierVille, either. But Zynga seriously needs to change the odds of finding items (one of the specific purposes of the game) or they’ll risk losing players. People who don’t play the game won’t spend money on it, so if they made the players happier, they’d stick around. Sounds like a win-win to me.

UPDATE: A friend of mine posted links to get a free tricorne hat and powder horn. Log into Facebook, then copy and paste each link in a separate window.

http://apps.facebook.com/frontierville/giftaccept.php?next=giftaccept.php&senderId=1%3A100001197757093&gh=aee34a7f050180ba2a0a1c0c34130e7b&gift=indy_tricorn&timestamp=1278746158&ref&key=098ab283f4be26e68a6d75daa3163677%24%24ccF%28NVP.45oFK0XULNW8T_c%211PEZcGRERbh2%287109gvN7jxnB-&src=request&…aff=gift&crt=indy_tricorn&signature=495d1966b32239fa79b226efb1a47625

http://apps.facebook.com/frontierville/giftaccept.php?next=giftaccept.php&senderId=1%3A100000710506764+&gh=aee34a7f050180ba2a0a1c0c34130e7b&gift=indy_powderhorn&timestamp=1278746158&ref&key=098ab283f4be26e68a6d75daa3163677%24%24ccF%28NVP.45oFK0XULNW8T_c%211PEZ…cGRERbh2%287109gvN7jxnB-&src=request&aff=gift&crt=indy_powderhorn&signature=495d1966b32239fa79b226efb1a47625