A Holiday Wish

In the spirit of Christmas, and because I’ve only been making one blog post a month and would like to do more, I present…a Holiday wish. From Steve Martin.

 

From SNL, 1991.

Steve Martin: If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can’t think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she’s behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y’know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They’re not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it’s worth! So — we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.

So this is Christmas

The economy sucks, our current president is not going down without a (shoe) fight, and if you haven’t been laid off yet, it may be coming. But “Merry Christmas!” the calendar says.

If you’re not in a Christmassy mood, I can understand and relate. And so can The Waitresses, who begin one of my favorite Christmas songs with “Bah humbug!” But the tale ends with “a very happy ending,” and I hope your holiday season does too.

(And let’s face it–after the holiday season is over, we won’t have to endure those stupid Sears “wishtory” commercials with LL Cool J or Ty Pennington or some family I’ve never heard of and that idiotic song, “Got a package full of wishes” and then they tell you the real meaning of the commercial at the end when they try to sell you some cheap diamond chip necklace. And who came up with the word “wishstory” anyway???!)

See also: “I Know What Boys Want”

 

“Bah, humbug!” No, that’s too strong
‘Cause it is my favorite holiday
But all this year’s been a busy blur
Don’t think I have the energy

To add to my already mad rush
Just ’cause it’s ’tis the season.
The perfect gift for me would be
Completions and connections left from

Last year, ski shop,
Encounter, most interesting.
Had his number but never the time
Most of ’81 passed along those lines.

So deck those halls, trim those trees
Raise up cups of Christmas cheer,
I just need to catch my breath,
Christmas by myself this year.

Calendar picture, frozen landscape,
Chilled this room for twenty-four days,
Evergreens, sparkling snow
Get this winter over with!

Flashback to springtime, saw him again,
Would’ve been good to go for lunch,
Couldn’t agree when we were both free,
We tried, we said we’d keep in touch.

Didn’t, of course, ’til summertime,
Out to the beach to his boat could I join him?
No, this time it was me,
Sunburn in the third degree.

Now the calendar’s just one page
And, of course, I am excited
Tonight’s the night, but I’ve set my mind
Not to do too much about it.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I’ll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I’ll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I’ll miss this one this year.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
But I think I’ll miss this one this year.

Hardly dashing through the snow
Cause I bundled up too tight
Last minute have-to-do’s
A few cards a few calls
‘Cause it’s r-s-v-p
No thanks, no party lights
It’s Christmas Eve, gonna relax
Turned down all of my invites.

Last fall I had a night to myself,
Same guy called, halloween party,
Waited all night for him to show,
This time his car wouldn’t go,

Forget it, it’s cold, it’s getting late,
Trudge on home to celebrate
In a quiet way, unwind
Doing Christmas right this time.

A&P has provided me
With the world’s smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot
Oh damn! Guess what I forgot?

So on with the boots, back out in the snow
To the only all-night grocery,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
In the line is that guy I’ve been chasing all year!

“I’m spending this one alone,” he said.
“Need a break; this year’s been crazy.”
I said, “Me too, but why are you?
You mean you forgot cranberries too?”

Then suddenly we laughed and laughed
Caught on to what was happening
That Christmas magic’s brought this tale
To a very happy ending! ”

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn’t miss this one this year!
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Couldn’t miss this one this year!